Sex after kids: The art of the quickie

Of 10,000 new parents surveyed by Babytalk, 66 percent report they were happy with their pre-baby sex life; only 24 percent are happy with their post-baby sex life. In response, sex educator Ian Kerner at Good in Bed advocates "the art of the quickie:"

Quickies don’t necessarily have to lead to orgasm, and they don’t even have to be wholly sexual. [...]

“Little quickies are a great way to get our adrenaline going,” writes Naughty Mommy blogger [and author of Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I found My Lost Libido], Heidi Raykeil: “From handjobs to frisky playful exhibitionism, to just taking a moment to feel each other up, quickies are a way of re-connecting and building up a reserve of sexual anticipation. Taking the big O out as a ‘goal’ really leaves more room for playful, fun stuff - as long as we know we can get that other fulfillment later.”

As we strive to attain that certain "fulfillment," Babytalk notes the importance of lube: "For breastfeeding moms, the increase of prolactin leads to a decrease in vaginal secretions. Try a water-based lubricant like Astroglide." Babytalk further encourages patience and compliments, scheduling date nights, and going back to basics ("touching, kissing, hugging, playing and rubbing").

Kerner also suggests kisses and hugs: a long hug will stimulate the release of oxytocin, which

helps to create a sense of emotional intimacy, relaxation, contentment and trust. Scientists have even found that oxytocin helps relieve stress, improve mood and lower blood pressure. Even better, you and your partner easily can boost oxytocin all day long: just a 20 to 30-second hug can raise oxytocin levels in both men and women.

Sexy text messages, sharing sexy dreams and fantasies, and showering together can also serve as "potential quickies," adds Kerner.

get frank: Using Vibrators as a Couple

At Love, Sex, and Family we as parents of a toddler are fans of all of the above, but we would like to add the use of vibrators. After 64 hours of labor, I experienced pain during intercourse for approximately a year. I would still lust and long for sex, especially after nursing ("some even reach orgasm during breast-feeding. This is a perfectly expected physiological response: Oxytocin, the hormone that triggers the letdown of milk when a baby suckles, is the same hormone that triggers orgasm"). However, by the time my husband had returned home and our baby was asleep, my desire for anything except sleep was sapped.

An occasional quickie by myself with the vibrator while my baby napped became one way for me to feel sexual and not just like a human pillow, my breasts "transformed from erotic icons to infant smorgasbord," as they put it at Babytalk.

And once intercourse stopped hurting, I would still get out my vibrator if my husband hadn't already for me and we. I know just how it feels best to me when I use one, but I love it when he takes control of it too, stimulating me. In order to come, I prefer to take charge myself though because to me orgasms are all about surrender and, perhaps ironically, I prefer to be in control of that surrender myself. I say that without implying that orgasms are the ultimate "fulfillment" of intercourse (as sex educator Charlie Glickman recently posted, emphasizing orgasms as vital "for every single person on the planet" ignores the asexuality of some people who "genuinely feel no sexual attraction to other people," or who "experience sexual arousal through masturbation, either with or without orgasm." -- and incidentally, Marilyn Monroe had the inability to orgasm until she learned how to masturbate at the age of 36, encouraged by her psychoanalyst).

Marilyn Monroe and Me! Who Know?

I appreciate sex--be it a quickie or not--without obsessing about achieving that big O. But I do welcome the latter. And in my experience, a vibrator can increase the intensity of a quickie too and the lasting feel-good effects afterwards.

Sarah Gibson of the adult toy and lingerie shop Sexgear catering to women, provides the following advice to couples on the use of vibrators at get frank., a sex and lifestyle magazine aimed at men:

Using a vibrator during foreplay and intercourse can bring new and exciting sensations to your love-making; and help you give her those coveted multiple orgasms.

Gibson continues with a list of specific tips:

All Over Body Experience
Essentially vibrators are just massagers; they don’t have to be used solely on the genital area. So use a vibrator to give your partner a massage, lie her down and on a low setting rub it over her body. Run it up her legs and inner thighs. Explore her nipples, caress the lines of her pelvis and circle it around on top of her panties. Her pleasurable moans and groans will soon have you feeling like a sex god – and just wait until you see what else your vibrating friend can do.

Add to Oral
To add a new sensation to oral sex, tantalize your partner’s clitoris with your tongue and then penetrate her with a vibrator – angle it slightly upwards (towards her stomach) to hit her G-Spot. The combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation will lead to leg shaking, hip thrusting orgasms. Or if you are the recipient of oral sex, have your partner hold a vibrator against her cheek as she moves up and down your shaft with her mouth. The tingling sensation, combined with her wet, warm mouth will have explosive results.

Take Control
To give your partner a mind-blowing experience; take complete control of the toy and use it on your partner during penetrative sex. A small clitoral vibrator or bullet vibrator is perfect for this and can be used in almost all positions; slip it between the two of you to stimulate her clitoris as you thrust. Alternatively, hold it in place or as she rides you in a girl on top position.

Your Turn
Some people think that normal vibrators can’t be used on the penis. This couldn’t be further from the truth. While the shaft of your penis isn’t as sensitive as her clitoris, you can still enjoy the sensations that a vibrator has to offer. So give the toy to your lady, have her turn up the intensity of the vibrations and ask her to move the toy up one side of your erection and down the other to make you super hard.

You can also use a vibe on your boys. These are more sensitive than the shaft so make sure your partner turns down the intensity or wraps the toy in some clothing to muffle the vibrations. Then, have her caress your testicles with the vibe, while she uses the other hand to stimulate the shaft and head.

While many women find that they need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, the risk is putting to much focus on the clitoral gland. I therefore appreciate Gibson's attention to a more holistic use of vibrators, and especially her advice to men on how they can receive pleasure from the stimulation of a vibrator too. The concept of sharing and taking turns, which Gibson here introduces can help break down traditional gender roles that we still tend to carry with us into bed.